More than enough time, way too little energy

I haven’t posted an update on my book (or any creative project for that matter) in quite a while. The simple reason is: I haven’t been making any progress worth mentioning. Or, pretty much, at all.

It’s not even the pandemic that’s gotten to me … it’s just … life. Again.

I thought I would really use this spring and summer to finish work on the book and the two tabletop games, design some nice poems for the website, maybe even work on another song – just generally focus on creative stuff that I’ve been longing to do for quite a while. But I didn’t. 

And it’s not that I didn’t  have the time either. I’ve had plenty. Hell, I’ve had an unreasonable amount of free time on my hands lately. Zero motivation though. Instead of finishing the pages for my book I’ve been staring at ceilings and screens. Instead of finalizing my board game design, creating a cool promotional video and pitching the thing to a publisher, I’ve been sleeping a lot (and not even well). I would have easily had the time to finish all the creative projects in the pipeline and still get plenty of sleep or me time. I just didn’t do any of it though. Such is the life of a person suffering from mental illness. Can’t even get myself to do the things I want to do. And I hate it.

I’ve set deadlines for myself again and again. Deadlines I’m unable to meet. And it scares me because dreams, if not chased properly, tend to float away over time. I wonder when I’ll finally take a pen, pencil or marker and copy down those last 70 poems from my list. Scan them in. Smooth out all the bad handwriting. Combine them with the right images. Layout the book. Check in with all the book supporters again. Find a publisher. I wonder when I’ll finally look through all my notes from the last test games. Work them into the game graphics. Get another prototype made. Write and design the instruction manual. Have some more test games. Make a good promotional video. Find a publisher again. I wonder when I’ll finally write and record another song. I wonder when I’ll add another poem to the VISUAL POETRY section of the website. When I’ll make a nice drawing again. Or even write about a film idea in my head. I wonder …

Knowing me, there’ll most likely come a day when a switch flips in my head and I’m suddenly eager to do all of those things at once. And I’ll spend many evenings and quite some nights working on all that different stuff. Hopefully, that moment will come sooner rather than later. Could be tomorrow. Could be next year. It’ll probably happen at the least convenient time. I’ll keep you posted.


Sexually Explicit Content!